• About Wendy
  • Blog
  • Appearances
  • Freelance

Wendy Fontaine

Writer | Teacher | Mother

Feeds:
Posts
Comments
« Single mom. Superhero.
Write Now. »

Nerve

February 3, 2016 by wendy

If I run my fingertips along the outside of my left thigh, the feeling there is dull and numbed, more irritating than soothing. The sensation contains an eerie kind of distance, as though I were touching my own body through layers and layers of cloth.
It’s been that way since I was pregnant, when the weight of my growing uterus pressed on the large nerve that wraps around the pelvic bone and extends down the femur. It was worse then, the numbness so overwhelming sometimes that I had to sit down and rest. After my daughter was born, things never completely went back to the way they had been. The feeling, though muted, remained.
Add it to the list of things about my body that haven’t been the same since the day I became a mother. My waistline is thicker. My ribs are wider. My breasts are saggier. A patch of pale pink lines adorn my stomach, and whenever I sneeze, I pee a little.
My body isn’t the same on the outside, nor is it the same on the inside. I’m a bundle of nerves. Every day, I worry that something or someone is going to hurt my child. Will we get into a car accident on our drive to school? Will she fall on the playground and break her arm? Will today be the day we get that earthquake everyone’s always talking about? Will she huddle beneath her desk, scared and crying and waiting for the shaking to stop? Will she encounter a pedophile? Will he be a stranger or someone she knows, someone she trusts?
Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t have had her, not because I don’t love her but because I do. Too much. More than I can bear. I don’t know what to do with all that love. It presses on me from the inside, leaving me frozen and fretful and anxious for her to come home.
At least when she was inside my womb I could keep my eye on her. Now she’s out in the world, exposed to things that terrify me. And as she grows, the risks only become greater. Will she make friends? Will she feel lost? Will she do drugs? Will she drink and drive, have sex, get pregnant? Will she be depressed or angry or confused? Will she get sick? Will she love her body? Will she love herself? Will she love me?
That patch of skin on my thigh may still be numb, but I can run my fingertips from knee to thigh and feel every single thing.

mother-baby-holding-hands

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

  • @ Grace Magazine

    • Baldwin Hill
  • @ Huffington Post

    • Wendy Fontaine's Columns
  • @Brevity

    • How My Book Became a Prop on Marvel's Avengers: Endgame
  • @Coachella Review

    • Bread & Circuses
  • @ComposeLiterary

    • Angie & Betty & Me
  • @Crab Orchard Review

    • Goodness
  • @Entropy

    • Everything I Know About Hummingbirds
  • @Full Grown People

    • In Plane View
  • @Hippocampus Magazine

    • Northbound
    • Sand Dollars
  • @Jet Fuel Review

    • Badge
  • @Longridge Review

    • Bouncing In Place
    • Green Pepper Standoff
  • @Lunch Ticket

    • The Space Between The Stars
  • @MudSeasonReview

    • An Interview with the Author
    • Fireflies
  • @Mutha Magazine

    • The Pieces
  • @Passages North

    • Prints
  • @Pithead Chapel

    • Stuck Birds
  • @River Teeth Journal

    • Night Song
  • @ThePinch

    • D is for Panic
  • @Yemassee

    • Fire Dancer
  • Contact

    • Wendy Fontaine On Facebook
    • Wendy Fontaine On Twitter
  • Other Notable Websites

    • A Fine Line
    • Do you still love Daddy?
    • Hold My Hand
    • How I Talked to My Daughter About Sex
    • Immaculate Obsession
    • Night Song
    • Sometimes Life is About Taking Your Feet Off the Pedals
    • The Impulse to Breathe
    • The Most Wonderful Time
    • The Problem With Engagement Rings
    • The Year of No Intentions
    • Tiny Menaces
    • Turning Points: Stories about Choice and Change
    • Women Shouldn't Be Afraid to Disappoint Men
  • Recent Posts

    • New writing at Pithead Chapel (after a long dry spell)
    • Thank you to Jet Fuel Review for nominating my flash CNF piece, “Badge,” for the 2020 Best of the Net anthology!
    • Oh my “Goodness”
    • This One Will Hurt You
    • Stop and count
  • Tweets Tweets

    • I've seen the trailer for Crawdads, and that is not at all what I thought Kya would look like., 10 hours ago
    • I’m not that interested in writing lately. I’m more interested in living my life, enjoying time with my kid. Hoping… https://t.co/jukNDc3fNB, Jul 5
  • Archives

    • November 2020
    • September 2020
    • July 2020
    • April 2020
    • February 2020
    • April 2019
    • December 2018
    • December 2017
    • November 2017
    • October 2017
    • August 2017
    • March 2017
    • February 2017
    • January 2017
    • December 2016
    • October 2016
    • May 2016
    • April 2016
    • February 2016
    • December 2015
    • November 2015
    • October 2015
    • June 2015
    • May 2015
    • October 2014
    • September 2014
    • June 2014
    • May 2014
    • March 2014
    • February 2014
    • January 2014
    • December 2013
    • January 2011
  • Meta

    • Log in
    • Entries feed
    • Comments feed
    • WordPress.org

Get a free blog at WordPress.com

Theme: MistyLook by Sadish.